Saturday, 20 August 2011

Turn The Search-Light Inwards...

When going through conflicting times I always seek to find out what I have contributed to my situation and how I can do better next time.  I have decided that I am giving myself until the end of the week to be self-indulgent regarding these difficult moments, and then it is moving onwards and upwards.

It probably sounds funny to hear that I admit deliberately wallowing in self pity for a given period right?  However for me there is nothing wrong with grieving, or pining, or feeling sorry for yourself as long as it is for a limited time, and you do not make other people around you suffer as a result of your self imposed pity party. 

With the latter in mind, I have been trying my best not to go on too much about how annoyed, upset or tired I feel about the events of the last two weeks, but I have not succeeded.  Thank God for the people I have around me that are my sounding boards and pillars of support, for without them I would go insane!

As I only have one day left on this pity parade, I am preparing myself for getting back on track and appreciating the greatness I have within my life.  It is time to use that appreciation to tackle the feelings of anger and pain.   However first of all, I am turning on the search light and looking within.  I am starting with self, and seeking to find where I went wrong, so that I do not knowingly take that path again. 

In his infamous book Don Quixote - Miguel de cervantes said: 'Honesty is the best policy.'  I think you will find that if you live by that, life is sooooo much simpler.  It is easy to blame others for ones misgivings and when things go wrong.  Nonetheless, if we are honest with ourselves, we know that we are not blameless.  In addition, I am repelled by the victim mentality, so I take ownership and by owning the problem, I am better equipped to eliminate it. 

I believe we create a lot of our situations. Thus, I have come to the conclusion, that my contribution to the outcome of all the 3 circumstances that have crushed my soul these weeks, is that in some way or other, I have not fully shown what is within.  

Being true to oneself is paramount! By turning the search-light inwards, I realise now, that I have not been truly honest with myself.   As a result, I have not been honest with others. Not out and out lying, that is not what I am saying here, but giving the impression something is ok, or ignoring when something does not bode well is a form of not being honest about who you are and what you believe in. 

Doing things due to feelings of obligation.  Not wanting to disappoint others.  These are all fear based actions which go against my 'fearless' mindset.  Ultimately, my not being honest about my true feelings is the common denominator in all 3 situations.

So now it is time to love myself unconditionally, go with what is right for me and fear not.  I must keep that search-light within shining to check on myself so I don't wreck myself.  Tell it like it is. 

If you want something say it.  If you don't want it say it.  Don't be a victim, don't be a self imposed prisoner.  Turn the search-light inwards and shine.  I really have to listen to myself and practice what I preach! 

With that as my goal I will let the good times roll (I didn't intentionally rhyme there but I like it)!


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